Parent Child Power Struggles...

We've all seen them in progress-often in the grocery store or department store. It starts out when a toddler or young child asks for something. It could be a toy or a candy bar. Mom or Dad says "no." The child refuses to take "no" for an answer. And then the begging, whining, or full-blown tantrums begin.

Right here at that very minute, we are witnessing a classic parent child power struggle. And how the parent handles it has the potential to affect future power struggles-even into the teen years-not just whether or not the child will have a meltdown in the store that day. What is the right thing to do?

Invariably, these parent child power struggles with a toddler or young child will go one of several ways. First, the parent could reconsider the choice and change his or her mind, granting the request. It might depend on how large the request is-or how expensive the item is-or just how tired the parent is that day. And if the parent changes his or her mind right away without any further incident and the child doesn't immediately ask for something else, but is content with what they receive, this could be the end of it-for now.

Second, the parent might decide to negotiate with the child. For instance, Mom might say, "You cannot get that large truck. It is too expensive. But if you would like, you can pick from one of these little trucks and I will buy you that." Or Dad will say, "We're just about to have lunch, so no candy bars right now. But I'll let you pick out the kind of juice we'll buy instead."

If the child is happy with the suggested alternative, it's a win-win situation. The child and parent learn to negotiate an amicable solution. If the child is not happy, the scenario usually proceeds directly to the next phase.

This is usually the begging, whining, and tantrum stage. The parent says "no" again or-if the child doesn't like the alternative option, says "no" again to the original request more firmly. The child does his or her thing (acting out) and basically waits for Mom or Dad to react. This will usually last a while, often punctuated by the parent repeating the "no" answer and telling the child to behave properly. And the child continues to carry on.

Here now is the critical moment. After the child throws a fit, crys, stomps his or her feet, throws him- or her-self on the floor, or attempts to take the item anyway, how Mom or Dad handles the situation will set the stage for future parent child power struggles. If Mom or Dad gives in at this juncture, the child has won the power struggle. The child is in control. The child has learned it is simply a matter of how much of a fit he or she must throw to get his or her own way.

If the parent gets angry and starts to "lose it," shouting at the child or threatening a spanking, the child is also winning the power struggle. While it may not initially appear that way-since the child still didn't get his or her way-it's true. Because the child is in perfect control of what he or she wants and the parent is now out of control.

The best way to handle this critical moment is to stay calm, firm, and not to give in. Mom or Dad can try to distract the child. They might suggest that good behavior will be rewarded in some other way. Or they could simply inform the child that whatever behavior is being exhibited will definitely not get the child's desired result and then stick to that firmly.

When the parent stays calm, cool, and collected and does not give in, the parent retains the power. It starts small-and it starts with small children. But parents need to pay attention to these first and early power struggles. Because they set the tone-and teach the child what he or she can expect-for future power struggles even on into the teen years.